I'm done.

So, this week has been chaos, but there was a common denominator this week, and that is that it took hearing the same thing 8 different times, from 8 different people, worded 8 different ways for it to sink in and that is....something I've thought off and on for a while now,

I NEED TO GET RID OF BEN!

Well, this time it stuck.

I know this is going to break both of our hearts, but it'll a lot better in the long run.

First off, I don't like the person I become for him. I put my self integrity, self worth, self defense, self esteem, and everything on the line for him. I am a people pleaser by nature, and so I will do whatever I can to let someone know I appreciate them, which could be a good or bad thing depending on how you view it. Usually, I don't expect much in return, but with Ben I give SO much, and he only really shows it when there's a chance of me leaving, then he'll go over the top to let me know I'm wanted and appreciated, and knows exactly what to say to get me to stay. So, he's basically a manipulator, and does it intentionally, knowing I"ll stay, he just doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's a personality flaw of his, because it's always been about him, everything is about him, so he expects me to spoil him. So, Ginny's spending all over her time, energy, etc pleasing Ben, and Ben is....pleasing Ben. I was an idiot and thought it was 2 sided for so long, because he knew how to keep me around.

Worse yet, since he doesn't see anything wrong with himself coming first all of the time, (since that was how he was raised), it is going to kill him when I walk away forever, because, since it's all about him, he'll think he did something wrong.

After 6 years of Ben on the mind, I've learned a lot about him, and this is going to hurt everyone. But he thinks he needs someone to sugarcoat everything, and always make him feel that he is in the right, and so, I played that role. But what he really needs is someone to knock him off his high horse, and tell him how it is, and I love him too much to ever even try to hurt his feelings. I know he cares about me, and loves me very much, but, if he could ever show me that he loves me even half as much as I love him, this wouldn't be an issue. But he won't. And I stick around thinking someday it'll change, and it's harder to walk away because I KNOW he does, but, things will never change.

Not to mention the small fact that he is incredibly shallow and cocky, and is attracted to the mean skinny girls that treat him like crap. If he grew up a little he would realize that marrying a trophy wife, for the sole reason that she is a trophy wife and "seems" nice, doesn't make anyone happy.

So, to summarize, he is a "Jekyll and Hyde" mess. He has this one side that I love about him, and then this other side which I loath. Which isn't fair to anyone, because you shouldn't go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person, if they want to change, maybe someday they will, but as for right now, I don't think things will ever change...and if it's anything like all of my previous relationships, he won't realize how great I am until I'm gone, and then after that he'll spend the next so many years either being miserable or trying to win me back. Both of which I'll feel horrible about.

Really though, I gained some confidence in myself, and probably have more of it now than I have ever had and I realize, I am great! I am an amazing catch! Any guy would go nuts to be with me, and I deserve to be treated like a queen! Not to be treated for what I settle for. I have a huge heart and show love for others every moment, I'm creative and patient, and kind, and tolerant, and forgiving, and hilarious! I honestly don't see how I'm single sometimes, and then I remember why. I have this horrible chunk of baggage named Ben that I've been packing around for years, and I never let myself fully love anyone else, because I'm still convinced it'll somehow work out with Ben.

As for the people who helped with this decision in one way or another, I'm incredibly grateful. I talked to Erica about it for a bit, talked to Val for close to two hours about it, talked to Melanie about it for a couple of hours, talked to my friend Matt in Utah about it for an hour, and talked to my aunts Dixie and Denise about it, and my friend Tim...and my ex Brian.

All of which are very wise people and know alot about relationships, whether friendship, or more, and all of which used different analogies, or specific scenarios involving Ben to make it sink in. Sad thing is, I don't want to get rid of Ben, I just don't know how to make things better without doing it, because I will always be nuts about him, and always have been.

Either way, he's still coming home for Christmas, and I'd still like to see him, and like to spend our day together in Twin, but, I don't know how any of this is going to work.

So, I guess all I can do is prepare myself for the biggest headache and heartache imaginable.