And this was the last time we were together...
Which brings me to today.
Today sucked like a Coltran Central Vacuum.
Let me explain:
First off, it looks like my Ipod got lost, or stolen at the "Walk For Food Allergies" event. Much sadness. 15,000 songs gone. Not only that but, that was my motivator. Walking, going rounds on the punching bag, jogging, sit ups, dancing...everything. My ipod was my muse. Music is what gets me going...today it was so hard to go jogging with silence....I didn't go as long as I usually do...it just sucked.
Unfortunately, that isn't the worst part of the day. I heard news of Ben today, and he changed his job in the Army. I made him promise me before he left that if he was going to be stupid enough to join the military, he was going to pick a safe job. So, he respected my wishes and did, he decided to go into Human Relations, which is a desk job, in a secure building on base, filling out paperwork, and making sure people get paid on time. Ben knows how much I worry about him in general, and so, I was actually okay with that for a job.
Turns out, that can change. He has excelled in everything in bootcamp, and became the Platoon Guide, and is now in charge of the platoon of 60 soldiers, and apparently got high enough scores on everything that he was offered a different job, one that doesn't get offered often, because you have to really be top of the line...and since Ben is, when it was brought to him, he took it.
He is now going airborne, and into special ops. Meaning, he is going to be jumping out of planes behind enemy lines, sniping people out, becoming a bounty hunter, and everything is highly classified and he will keep a million secrets to take to his grave. So much for the safe job idea right?
I really didn't know how to take that. I mean, I want to be supportive and say, "I'm so proud of you, look at what you've accomplished" but at the same time, I want to be selfish and say, "You idiot! Are you asking to be shot?"
"Conflicted" might be the best word.
Not only that, but he is no longer coming home in January...something I was really looking forward to....it's now February or March.
I'm just worried. I don't want him to be in harm's way. Not to mention, he has had enough signs in this lifetime, showing that his life expectancy is to be a short one. So, of course, he's not afraid to get shot or die, he's been expecting it, but what about the rest of us? His mom? Siblings? Friends? Me?
Don't get me wrong, I've proven time and time again that I can be tough...but this is going to be so hard, and hurt so much. Right now it's already killing me being so far away from him, and he's only in bootcamp. What's worse is, not only is it a fear for his safety, but a fear for him changing. When I talk to him on the phone, he doesn't even sound like the same person. Which already scares me...I just don't want him to forget me, or suddenly get so cocky and arrogant, that he's "too good" for me.
And I know what you're thinking, "You're better off without him", "Just forget him", "He doesn't deserve you", "You're too good for him"...etc.
Maybe some of that is true...but the thing is, I gave my heart to him years ago, and I don't think I ever got it back. I've dated other people and have still been in love with him, he's dated other people and I'm still crazy about him, I honestly don't think it'll ever change...the thing is, I'm happy with him, he makes me laugh, he sings to me, cares about me unconditionally and honestly knows and understands me. I don't have to say a word, and he already knows what is going through my mind...
...and through all of our hardships over the years, the one thing we've always had is each other...yeah, there's been some rocky patches, but I can't imagine life without him.
So, perhaps I'm worrying a bit much...but my stomach is seriously in knots just thinking about him being that close to danger. I miss him so much...miss his arms around me...miss him singing in my ear, miss him making me breakfast, miss him making me laugh...miss him warming my hands, miss being able to use his chest as a pillow, miss falling asleep and cuddling with him...I just miss him.
So, for now I guess I'll just deal with it....but as the months go on...I'll brace myself for the sleepless nights yet to come, and the tears that will fall, and try my hardest to not think about it.
This blows. I think I picked a challenge when I decided I loved Ben....Gosh I'm an IDIOT!
