Christmases When You Were Mine

Please take down the mistletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town

My momma's in the kitchen,
worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year

I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
You were mine

I'm done.

So, this week has been chaos, but there was a common denominator this week, and that is that it took hearing the same thing 8 different times, from 8 different people, worded 8 different ways for it to sink in and that is....something I've thought off and on for a while now,

I NEED TO GET RID OF BEN!

Well, this time it stuck.

I know this is going to break both of our hearts, but it'll a lot better in the long run.

First off, I don't like the person I become for him. I put my self integrity, self worth, self defense, self esteem, and everything on the line for him. I am a people pleaser by nature, and so I will do whatever I can to let someone know I appreciate them, which could be a good or bad thing depending on how you view it. Usually, I don't expect much in return, but with Ben I give SO much, and he only really shows it when there's a chance of me leaving, then he'll go over the top to let me know I'm wanted and appreciated, and knows exactly what to say to get me to stay. So, he's basically a manipulator, and does it intentionally, knowing I"ll stay, he just doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's a personality flaw of his, because it's always been about him, everything is about him, so he expects me to spoil him. So, Ginny's spending all over her time, energy, etc pleasing Ben, and Ben is....pleasing Ben. I was an idiot and thought it was 2 sided for so long, because he knew how to keep me around.

Worse yet, since he doesn't see anything wrong with himself coming first all of the time, (since that was how he was raised), it is going to kill him when I walk away forever, because, since it's all about him, he'll think he did something wrong.

After 6 years of Ben on the mind, I've learned a lot about him, and this is going to hurt everyone. But he thinks he needs someone to sugarcoat everything, and always make him feel that he is in the right, and so, I played that role. But what he really needs is someone to knock him off his high horse, and tell him how it is, and I love him too much to ever even try to hurt his feelings. I know he cares about me, and loves me very much, but, if he could ever show me that he loves me even half as much as I love him, this wouldn't be an issue. But he won't. And I stick around thinking someday it'll change, and it's harder to walk away because I KNOW he does, but, things will never change.

Not to mention the small fact that he is incredibly shallow and cocky, and is attracted to the mean skinny girls that treat him like crap. If he grew up a little he would realize that marrying a trophy wife, for the sole reason that she is a trophy wife and "seems" nice, doesn't make anyone happy.

So, to summarize, he is a "Jekyll and Hyde" mess. He has this one side that I love about him, and then this other side which I loath. Which isn't fair to anyone, because you shouldn't go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person, if they want to change, maybe someday they will, but as for right now, I don't think things will ever change...and if it's anything like all of my previous relationships, he won't realize how great I am until I'm gone, and then after that he'll spend the next so many years either being miserable or trying to win me back. Both of which I'll feel horrible about.

Really though, I gained some confidence in myself, and probably have more of it now than I have ever had and I realize, I am great! I am an amazing catch! Any guy would go nuts to be with me, and I deserve to be treated like a queen! Not to be treated for what I settle for. I have a huge heart and show love for others every moment, I'm creative and patient, and kind, and tolerant, and forgiving, and hilarious! I honestly don't see how I'm single sometimes, and then I remember why. I have this horrible chunk of baggage named Ben that I've been packing around for years, and I never let myself fully love anyone else, because I'm still convinced it'll somehow work out with Ben.

As for the people who helped with this decision in one way or another, I'm incredibly grateful. I talked to Erica about it for a bit, talked to Val for close to two hours about it, talked to Melanie about it for a couple of hours, talked to my friend Matt in Utah about it for an hour, and talked to my aunts Dixie and Denise about it, and my friend Tim...and my ex Brian.

All of which are very wise people and know alot about relationships, whether friendship, or more, and all of which used different analogies, or specific scenarios involving Ben to make it sink in. Sad thing is, I don't want to get rid of Ben, I just don't know how to make things better without doing it, because I will always be nuts about him, and always have been.

Either way, he's still coming home for Christmas, and I'd still like to see him, and like to spend our day together in Twin, but, I don't know how any of this is going to work.

So, I guess all I can do is prepare myself for the biggest headache and heartache imaginable.

And it shrinks some more...

So, this may sound silly, but it's getting harder to recognize myself. I looked in the mirror in the morning, and I'm suprised at the face looking back at me. I don't look like myself....well, I do, but I don't. It's a weird sort of identity crisis feeling. The picture above was only taken yesterday, and I wonder what happened to my cheeks and big neck, and when did I get a chin?

Besides that, things are good. I get my birthday present from Ben in the mail tomorrow,

(oober excited about that)...

He "claims" he dipped himself in a vat of hot plastic, melted it to his body and made a blow up doll of himself and made some spots watermelon and pina colada scented,

along with some vibrating features.

Yeah, he cracks me up.

So, like a curious school girl I asked what parts were scented,

and like a girl deprived military man, he answered with,

"Well, you'll just have to wait and see"...

Of course, he won't tell me what the actual present is, but it was fun to joke about the other one.

On a different note, I love how hilarious his pictures he sends me are. He tries to pull off that whole "hot topless guy" thing, and falls short everytime. I love it. I mean, I can totally tell he's "sucking it in" in all of the pictures, so I lie and say, "Wow Ben! You look so hot" When I'm thinking he looks a little goofy. I mean, he's a goofball class clown with the insane curly hair and big ears, and I think he's the cutest thing on the planet, but he just doesn't do the whole "hot model" thing well. I have to give him credit for trying though....heck the fact that he tries is actually really impressive, since he's a little shy and his self esteem is crap sometimes.

I sent him the picture above, (because I am modest of course) and he went nuts!

Which, to me, doesn't make much sense, I don't think it's a super grand picture, but I got the "You're so beautiful" speech for the next 20 minutes after.

Although, my self esteem is crap sometimes too, so maybe I just don't see it.

Either way, I can't wait until he's swinging me around the dance floor again. Not sure what I miss the most, dancing with him, or him singing to me. I'm a huge sucker for his voice, and I totally lucked out with a guy who sings, plays guitar, has adorable curly hair, green eyes, and can dance like a stripper! HA! Downfall?

I see none.

Oh wait, he's in the Army, yeah, that's a downfall. That jerk.

Either way, life is good, and only 8 days until I'm OLD! ACK!

Dude

Boys are silly.

I might lose my mind if Ben sends me another topless picture of his hot Army body. I'm on a three day blushing spurt right now due to those pictures. Yes, they aren't THAT dirty....but oh my gosh....wow. Needless to say, I'm making myself as cute as humanly possible, and counting the days until I see him again. Especially since we get a "Ben and Ginny" day again in Twin Falls, and get to go to our "special place" down there......this amazing waterfall that just makes us both happy. I'm so excited. I don't think I've ever been more excited about, well, anything. Just thinking about being with him again makes it hard to breathe. I know, it sounds like I'm being "poetic" but I am being so honest right now. I miss him more than I thought was possible, and now, it's only a month away, until I get him for Christmas and New Years....and then he leaves again, but will be home for Valentine's Day...and then, he's off again....for who knows how long....bleck.

Oh well, you can't help who you fall in love with right?

I'll be home for Christmas...

So, here's a summary of the week. First, I smashed my hand at my hiphop dance class. I went to do this turn and then you jump backwards and throw your hand out, well, I jumped too far and so when I threw my hand out, I threw it into a brickwall.

So, now my last two fingers are bruised and fat. Bleck.

Here's one taken after dance class.

Notice the sweaty mess I am, obviously it's doing some good.

Ha ha ha.

A new skirt and top I tried on yesterday for church.

I took Ben "text shopping" with me, and he liked this one best, and then protested that there's no way that my boobs shrunk. True, I guess this picture wouldn't show it, but sadly enough, they did. He's actually pretty good at "girl" shopping, everything I sent him a picture of that I was pretty set on getting, were all the things he liked the most. Especially this green and black bra and panties set...and no, I didn't model it on me....that would be dirty.

A goofy one I took this morning getting ready for church.

One Ben sent to me of him hiding in a closet, because he didn't want to get made fun of by his roomies for taking a million pictures of himself to send to me. What a goof.


Another cute one of his pudgy face. I miss that face, and I'll be nice and spare you the topless pic he sent to me! Ooo la la! Actually, he'd seriously shoot me if he saw it online, and now that he's a bounty hunter/sniper I wouldn't chance it.

So, besides all that jazz, things with Ben are good. He said he had a bunch of Christmas presents for me, so like an excited school girl I begged him to tell me.

He response was, "Well, I'm holding off on one, because I need to get your ring size."

Silence.

"Ginny darling don't freak out, I wanted to buy you a new CTR ring because since your fingers got all skinny and hot, yours doesn't fit anymore. And besides, would you seriously hate me if I knew your ring size? What? Am I not allowed to know it? I figured I of all people should have your ring size! Seriously!"

Yeah, he got a little over the top defensive thinking that I didn't want him to have my ring size.

It was cute.

Present number two would be my lapdance/strip tease from him....which, should be hilarious.

We decided that when he got home in February, we were going to throw a Mardi Gras costume/mask party and my house...a party for two, and he was going to be the masked hot dancer...because obviously I'm not getting a lapdance from him at his parent's house.

Man, I can see their faces now, especially since, if Ben wanted to, he could easily make thousands as an exotic dancer...he has hips like no other...although, dance lessons for twelve years might have something to do with that.

Present number three is a punch to his roommate's face.

(Long story on that one, let's just say his roommate is kind a of player who takes advantage of girls, and I seriously didn't know that...I just thought he was a good friend...my bad)

So, I said to Ben,

"Well, the first one's great, but you're not even going to be home for Christmas, so there's really no reason to label the others as Christmas presents."

He replied with,

"Well, that's my other present, I saved up, and I'll be home for Christmas.

From the 19th of December to the 3rd of January. I really miss you and can't wait to see you"

More silence.

"Gin? You there?"

"Are you serious? You mean I'll see you in about a month?"

"Yeah exciting huh? Sorry I can't make it there for your birthday. I did get you this awesome card and present though, and I know you'll love it."

So, for the most part I'm thrilled, the downfall is, I was going to drop another 2 or so pants sizes by the time he got here in February, so I could throw it in his face that I was "super" hot....so, I guess I'll only be "sort of" hot when he gets here...although, then he'll have to leave again....

And, atleast for a couple of weeks, I get him back for our karaoke nights. I'm really excited about that. I miss dancing with him, and singing with him...

oh gosh,I miss EVERYTHING about him.

Another plus note, I get my personal heater back. He is such a hot man, literally, and each time I'm cold, I get to rub my freezing hands all over his hot chest...I LOVE doing that! Tee-hee.

On that note, I need to go running before church. I only have a month to look even more gorgeous, buy a little black dress and some hooker boots, and knock his socks off!

Here's hopin right?

Sweeny Todd: The Musical

So, last night I went and saw "Sweeny Todd: The Musical"...

and was highly impressed, well, and disgusted....

Oh the wonders of theatre! They somehow mananged to actually make blood spray out of someone's neck. Which, being on the stage for over 10 years, with the blocking of the characters, and with the way the whole scene is portrayed, I still can't figure out how they did it. I figured out most of the other blood bath scenes, but this one was over the top! Seriously, it was like going to SeaWorld, if you're in the front row, you better watch out, you might get splashed!

Which, I know sounds gross, but it seriously was amazing, and the actors made me speechless. Their Sweeny Todd and Mrs. Lovitz, were actually a husband and wife team, and you could tell that they had that type of relationship on stage. I have never been more impressed with a musical. Even if it is one that the topic is so...dark.

I got a picture with Sweeny Todd afterwards, which I'll have to upload....

it has his blade and everything in it....it rocks.

So, I'm thinking about auditioning for Music Theatre of Idaho this upcoming season. The shows are: Beauty and The Beast, Suessical: The Musical, Les Miserables, Tom Sawyer, The King and I, Sweet Charity, and Annie.

I'm familiar with most of those, some more than others.

Beauty and The Beast has always been my number one...and my dream role has always been Belle. Problem...I look SO bad in yellow.

Les Miserables is another favorite, and I've always liked Fantine or Eponine. Fantine because I LOVE her "I dreamed a dream" piece, and Eponine, because I know what it's like to be in love with your best friend and have him chase after every other girl, and never realize....it's the story of my life actually.

As for Suessical...any role would rock.

I'm not too fond of The King and I, I mean, how many good female roles are there? Anna?

Annie is about the same way, but I would love Mrs. Hannigan...I love energetic/evil roles. If I were ever cast in Sweeny Todd, Mrs. Lovitz would be my first choice...she is crazy.

I don't know anything about Sweet Charity, and know very little about Tom Sawyer...either way, it should be fun....and....it's all musicals, and I know I can sing...so, there's a plus. Although, I recently found out auditions are in 2 weeks....which isn't a lot of time, not to mention, I have a lot coming up in the next couple of months, so, I guess I'll just see what works and what doesn't.

Good quote

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

Oh Benjamin...

My Get Well Card/Letter from Ben

My favorite pile of mail

I just got the cutest call from that hot stud muffin.

Oh he misses me alright.

Heck, I was even told that as a welcome home present, I'm going to get my lap dance! Ha ha ha! (For those that don't know, Ben can easily be paid hundreds of dollars for his stripper dancing skills, yes, he is that good) :P

I'm happy to report, he sounds like "Old Ben" again....and sounded soooooo happy to talk to me!

Which, once again makes it impossible for me to get over that monkey...dang it.

Either way, it really brightened my day hearing my Ben on the phone...especially since he sounds like Ben again, as opposed to "Military Ben" whom I despise.

Either way....good day.

Although, I have to admit...I miss his curly hair.

Today's Forecast: Dark and Cloudy

Once upon a time...I found my match...

Then he left for the Army...

And this was the last time we were together...

Which brings me to today.

Today sucked like a Coltran Central Vacuum.

Let me explain:

First off, it looks like my Ipod got lost, or stolen at the "Walk For Food Allergies" event. Much sadness. 15,000 songs gone. Not only that but, that was my motivator. Walking, going rounds on the punching bag, jogging, sit ups, dancing...everything. My ipod was my muse. Music is what gets me going...today it was so hard to go jogging with silence....I didn't go as long as I usually do...it just sucked.

Unfortunately, that isn't the worst part of the day. I heard news of Ben today, and he changed his job in the Army. I made him promise me before he left that if he was going to be stupid enough to join the military, he was going to pick a safe job. So, he respected my wishes and did, he decided to go into Human Relations, which is a desk job, in a secure building on base, filling out paperwork, and making sure people get paid on time. Ben knows how much I worry about him in general, and so, I was actually okay with that for a job.

Turns out, that can change. He has excelled in everything in bootcamp, and became the Platoon Guide, and is now in charge of the platoon of 60 soldiers, and apparently got high enough scores on everything that he was offered a different job, one that doesn't get offered often, because you have to really be top of the line...and since Ben is, when it was brought to him, he took it.

He is now going airborne, and into special ops. Meaning, he is going to be jumping out of planes behind enemy lines, sniping people out, becoming a bounty hunter, and everything is highly classified and he will keep a million secrets to take to his grave. So much for the safe job idea right?

I really didn't know how to take that. I mean, I want to be supportive and say, "I'm so proud of you, look at what you've accomplished" but at the same time, I want to be selfish and say, "You idiot! Are you asking to be shot?"

"Conflicted" might be the best word.

Not only that, but he is no longer coming home in January...something I was really looking forward to....it's now February or March.

I'm just worried. I don't want him to be in harm's way. Not to mention, he has had enough signs in this lifetime, showing that his life expectancy is to be a short one. So, of course, he's not afraid to get shot or die, he's been expecting it, but what about the rest of us? His mom? Siblings? Friends? Me?

Don't get me wrong, I've proven time and time again that I can be tough...but this is going to be so hard, and hurt so much. Right now it's already killing me being so far away from him, and he's only in bootcamp. What's worse is, not only is it a fear for his safety, but a fear for him changing. When I talk to him on the phone, he doesn't even sound like the same person. Which already scares me...I just don't want him to forget me, or suddenly get so cocky and arrogant, that he's "too good" for me.

And I know what you're thinking, "You're better off without him", "Just forget him", "He doesn't deserve you", "You're too good for him"...etc.

Maybe some of that is true...but the thing is, I gave my heart to him years ago, and I don't think I ever got it back. I've dated other people and have still been in love with him, he's dated other people and I'm still crazy about him, I honestly don't think it'll ever change...the thing is, I'm happy with him, he makes me laugh, he sings to me, cares about me unconditionally and honestly knows and understands me. I don't have to say a word, and he already knows what is going through my mind...

...and through all of our hardships over the years, the one thing we've always had is each other...yeah, there's been some rocky patches, but I can't imagine life without him.

So, perhaps I'm worrying a bit much...but my stomach is seriously in knots just thinking about him being that close to danger. I miss him so much...miss his arms around me...miss him singing in my ear, miss him making me breakfast, miss him making me laugh...miss him warming my hands, miss being able to use his chest as a pillow, miss falling asleep and cuddling with him...I just miss him.

So, for now I guess I'll just deal with it....but as the months go on...I'll brace myself for the sleepless nights yet to come, and the tears that will fall, and try my hardest to not think about it.

This blows. I think I picked a challenge when I decided I loved Ben....Gosh I'm an IDIOT!

Walk for Food Allergies.

Exhausted after the run.

Pretty Scenery

My pumpkin...trying to mimic it's face.

After the 10k

My fist. My angry "my team ditched me" face.

Jogging

Jack and me

"Walking 4 Ben"

Showing off the back of the shirt

Right after my face got painted

Dancing! I love dancing, and the bird is a good dancer!

Brenda Mee and...me

So, this morning I participated in the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network’s (FAAN’s) "Walk for Food Allergy: Moving Toward A Cure" in Boise. It's the first time it's been held in Boise, but the organization is headed up by country singer Trace Atkins. If you guys watched "The Apprentice" this last year, if he had won, the money was going towards this organization, because his daughter suffers from severe food allergies. The event raised funds to find a cure for food allergy and to educate others. As of right now, so far today's event raised 23,000 dollars, and attracted atleast 500 people.

Now, I don't have any food allergies actually, but I know people who do. My darling Ben for example is deathly allergic to pumpkins. Which is ironic actually because I was born on Thanksgiving, and have had my share of pumpkin pie, and all sorts of things relating to pumpkin, whereas he doesn't go near it. It does make me sad though to know that he'll never enjoy the simple things like carving a pumpkin, roasting pumpkin seeds, smashing pumpkins, eating pumpkin pie, or more simply, shopping for a pumpkin. He has to wear gloves just to touch the shopping carts this time of year.

So, for the event I made a schnazzy shirt. It said "No thanks, I'll P.A.S.S!" on the back, with a picture of a pumpkin, and then on the front it shows that "P.A.S.S." is my new found lovely acronym for, "Pumpkins and Squash Suck!" (Kudos to Erica for help on it). The shirt rocked. I got interviewed by Brenda Mee with KIZN 92.3 FM, and she took a bunch of pictures for their website. Apparently, pumpkin isn't a typical food allergy, and a lot of folks were suprised when I mentioned how bad Ben's allergy is.

So, maybe this doesn't concern you, or directly effect you, but hey, it was for a good cause, and I love supporting a cause. This year I got to participate in the "American Cancer Society's: Relay for Life" celebration, and if it wasn't for Ben dragging me into it, I never would have realized how passionate I am about helping others.

The only thing that would have made it better would have been, well, if Ben was there. My whole team bailed on me at the last minute, and so I was alone, but I know... as well as I know that the sun will rise each day, that if Ben was here, he would have been there for the event...and it would have been Heaven, as it always is in his company. He would have even suffered with the fact that there was pumpkin painting at the event...

Scratch that...or if Erica was there. If she could have come up, I know she would have been here rooting me on like she always does. Or even Kelli. Those 3 people seriously mean the world to me....and make my life so much easier and more fun.

So, besides pumpkin painting, there was an astro jump, different costumes, contests, food (though I stayed away from it), prizes...it was a ton of fun.

You could do one of 3 walks at the event: 2k, 5k, or 10k. Which is about: a little over a mile, 3 miles, and a little over 6 miles. So, since I do about an hour's worth of walking a day, I went with the 10k. It was a breeze...I was suprised to see so many little kids doing the 10k walk though. One dad asked his 4 yr old if she was ready to go back in the stroller, or wanted him to carry her, and she loudly proclaimed, "NO daddy! I can do it! Sheesh!" It was hilarious.

Other fun activities would be dancing with the Boise Hawks mascot "Humphrey", meeting "Jack Sparrow" (super hot pirate man), dancing, and meeting some new folks...and playing with the kids. It was so much fun...no seriously, it was. Although, when I got home I was exhausted and passed out in the recliner...my uncle took a pic of it, and it's funny.

The Skinny Ginny

So, here's a nice comparison to how I've changed over a year...the first sets of picture were taken either today, or about 3 weeks ago at my dad's wedding...the next set are pictures between July-December of last year...and then...keep reading....

This morning on the Greenbelt. October 2008

The back of my shirt. Boise, ID October 2008

Dancing with The Boise Hawks Mascot this morning. October 2008

Dancing with Keegan at my dad's wedding. September 2008. Check out my calves!

September 2008. Dancing With Keegan. Boise, ID

Miami, August 2007



Kelli's Wedding September 2007

Twin Falls Idaho, December 2007

Kuna, Idaho. Ben and me, September 2007

AcappellaStock, Ogden, Utah August 2007

So...my weight fluctuates like most girls, and I'll admit to being an emotional eater sometimes.

Here's a great example: About a year and a half ago, I lost Ben. He has been my best friend for 7 years now, and at the time I didn't want to see him go...and when he did, I lost it...and ate my emotions and gained 30-40 lbs. in two months. I blimped to a size 26 in pants. I was a wreck. Luckily, due to timing, fate, problems, or Ben finally gaining common sense, he came back...therefore I was happy, and didn't eat as much...due to just his company, being happy, and occasional swing dancing, I dropped back down to a size 20. So, now that he's gone in bootcamp, I refused to handle his absence the way I did before, and am now a 16. My goal is an 11 by the end of January, and believe me, with how much I've been working, I know I can accomplish this. Most people don't believe I was ever that big, or that I ever looked that big....so, he's the ugly truth, and the pictures to proove it. Most of the "ugly" pictures were taken between July-December of 2007...most of that time was without my darling Ben....and the skinner ones have been taken in the last month. Big difference huh? The dancing pictures were taken at my dad's wedding, and the ones with the pumpkin shirt were taken this morning.

How did I do it you ask? No diet pills, no stomach staples, no surgeries, no weight watchers, no Jenny Craig, just simple diet and excersize. I watch what a eat, take smaller portions, and excersize for a couple of hours a day.

Some favorite times with Ben...

Okay, I'm a picture ham, so here's some favorites of dear Buckwheat Benny!

These were taken in Twin Falls for his birthday.

The first is of us at the Twin Falls Temple, and the sun made my hair super red.

The next is at NazzKart racecar driving...which he unfortunately totally kicked my butt at...it's okay, I usually win at everything anyway.

One of my favorites of Ben...his super cheesy smile after we walked through that waterfall.

Then we have one of Ben and I behind the waterfall

The last is of us at the movies, and wearing the funny glasses for the whole movie...we got some stares, but that's just us.

Man, I miss that goofball....

New To BlogSpot.

So, my dear friends the Williams had a blog spot, and I figured that maybe this would be a good investment. I love to write...and well, I have a lot to say sometimes...okay, a lot to say ALL of the time. I'm quite a talker!

Lately life has been a little out of the ordinary...and I'll be more than happy to downdate, and update you on it.

This summer is probably a good place to start. As most of you know, for years I've been in love with a guy named Ben...and for years we've had enough ups and downs to sink the Titanic. Well, in August he decided to join the United States Army, and has now left me here, to figure out a lot of things. I got so carried away with spending every single moment with him, that I forgot to look at a lot of things to work on for myself. Seriously though, this last year every single day was with Ben, and everything I did was with Ben, and I was SO happy. I honestly didn't know how happy I could of been...I love having that one person that's always on my side no matter what, and having a goofball to laugh with. So, now it's just seeing if this seperation does us good or not. Right now with the way his letters sound...I think he's going to come back better, but probably a cocky jerk, so I'm going to beat him at his own game...

I have had a lot of good times with him though. For his birthday in August (right before he left) we went to Twin Falls, and literally walked through a waterfall, went racecar driving, went to a movie, dinner, the temple open house, and I loved every moment. I also miss singing and dancing with him. I am seriously craving a dance partner right now.

Anyway...it's been tough, but I can do this...I seriously can do anything when I put my mind to it, which brings me to my next entry.