I'm done.

So, this week has been chaos, but there was a common denominator this week, and that is that it took hearing the same thing 8 different times, from 8 different people, worded 8 different ways for it to sink in and that is....something I've thought off and on for a while now,

I NEED TO GET RID OF BEN!

Well, this time it stuck.

I know this is going to break both of our hearts, but it'll a lot better in the long run.

First off, I don't like the person I become for him. I put my self integrity, self worth, self defense, self esteem, and everything on the line for him. I am a people pleaser by nature, and so I will do whatever I can to let someone know I appreciate them, which could be a good or bad thing depending on how you view it. Usually, I don't expect much in return, but with Ben I give SO much, and he only really shows it when there's a chance of me leaving, then he'll go over the top to let me know I'm wanted and appreciated, and knows exactly what to say to get me to stay. So, he's basically a manipulator, and does it intentionally, knowing I"ll stay, he just doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's a personality flaw of his, because it's always been about him, everything is about him, so he expects me to spoil him. So, Ginny's spending all over her time, energy, etc pleasing Ben, and Ben is....pleasing Ben. I was an idiot and thought it was 2 sided for so long, because he knew how to keep me around.

Worse yet, since he doesn't see anything wrong with himself coming first all of the time, (since that was how he was raised), it is going to kill him when I walk away forever, because, since it's all about him, he'll think he did something wrong.

After 6 years of Ben on the mind, I've learned a lot about him, and this is going to hurt everyone. But he thinks he needs someone to sugarcoat everything, and always make him feel that he is in the right, and so, I played that role. But what he really needs is someone to knock him off his high horse, and tell him how it is, and I love him too much to ever even try to hurt his feelings. I know he cares about me, and loves me very much, but, if he could ever show me that he loves me even half as much as I love him, this wouldn't be an issue. But he won't. And I stick around thinking someday it'll change, and it's harder to walk away because I KNOW he does, but, things will never change.

Not to mention the small fact that he is incredibly shallow and cocky, and is attracted to the mean skinny girls that treat him like crap. If he grew up a little he would realize that marrying a trophy wife, for the sole reason that she is a trophy wife and "seems" nice, doesn't make anyone happy.

So, to summarize, he is a "Jekyll and Hyde" mess. He has this one side that I love about him, and then this other side which I loath. Which isn't fair to anyone, because you shouldn't go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person, if they want to change, maybe someday they will, but as for right now, I don't think things will ever change...and if it's anything like all of my previous relationships, he won't realize how great I am until I'm gone, and then after that he'll spend the next so many years either being miserable or trying to win me back. Both of which I'll feel horrible about.

Really though, I gained some confidence in myself, and probably have more of it now than I have ever had and I realize, I am great! I am an amazing catch! Any guy would go nuts to be with me, and I deserve to be treated like a queen! Not to be treated for what I settle for. I have a huge heart and show love for others every moment, I'm creative and patient, and kind, and tolerant, and forgiving, and hilarious! I honestly don't see how I'm single sometimes, and then I remember why. I have this horrible chunk of baggage named Ben that I've been packing around for years, and I never let myself fully love anyone else, because I'm still convinced it'll somehow work out with Ben.

As for the people who helped with this decision in one way or another, I'm incredibly grateful. I talked to Erica about it for a bit, talked to Val for close to two hours about it, talked to Melanie about it for a couple of hours, talked to my friend Matt in Utah about it for an hour, and talked to my aunts Dixie and Denise about it, and my friend Tim...and my ex Brian.

All of which are very wise people and know alot about relationships, whether friendship, or more, and all of which used different analogies, or specific scenarios involving Ben to make it sink in. Sad thing is, I don't want to get rid of Ben, I just don't know how to make things better without doing it, because I will always be nuts about him, and always have been.

Either way, he's still coming home for Christmas, and I'd still like to see him, and like to spend our day together in Twin, but, I don't know how any of this is going to work.

So, I guess all I can do is prepare myself for the biggest headache and heartache imaginable.

And it shrinks some more...

So, this may sound silly, but it's getting harder to recognize myself. I looked in the mirror in the morning, and I'm suprised at the face looking back at me. I don't look like myself....well, I do, but I don't. It's a weird sort of identity crisis feeling. The picture above was only taken yesterday, and I wonder what happened to my cheeks and big neck, and when did I get a chin?

Besides that, things are good. I get my birthday present from Ben in the mail tomorrow,

(oober excited about that)...

He "claims" he dipped himself in a vat of hot plastic, melted it to his body and made a blow up doll of himself and made some spots watermelon and pina colada scented,

along with some vibrating features.

Yeah, he cracks me up.

So, like a curious school girl I asked what parts were scented,

and like a girl deprived military man, he answered with,

"Well, you'll just have to wait and see"...

Of course, he won't tell me what the actual present is, but it was fun to joke about the other one.

On a different note, I love how hilarious his pictures he sends me are. He tries to pull off that whole "hot topless guy" thing, and falls short everytime. I love it. I mean, I can totally tell he's "sucking it in" in all of the pictures, so I lie and say, "Wow Ben! You look so hot" When I'm thinking he looks a little goofy. I mean, he's a goofball class clown with the insane curly hair and big ears, and I think he's the cutest thing on the planet, but he just doesn't do the whole "hot model" thing well. I have to give him credit for trying though....heck the fact that he tries is actually really impressive, since he's a little shy and his self esteem is crap sometimes.

I sent him the picture above, (because I am modest of course) and he went nuts!

Which, to me, doesn't make much sense, I don't think it's a super grand picture, but I got the "You're so beautiful" speech for the next 20 minutes after.

Although, my self esteem is crap sometimes too, so maybe I just don't see it.

Either way, I can't wait until he's swinging me around the dance floor again. Not sure what I miss the most, dancing with him, or him singing to me. I'm a huge sucker for his voice, and I totally lucked out with a guy who sings, plays guitar, has adorable curly hair, green eyes, and can dance like a stripper! HA! Downfall?

I see none.

Oh wait, he's in the Army, yeah, that's a downfall. That jerk.

Either way, life is good, and only 8 days until I'm OLD! ACK!

Dude

Boys are silly.

I might lose my mind if Ben sends me another topless picture of his hot Army body. I'm on a three day blushing spurt right now due to those pictures. Yes, they aren't THAT dirty....but oh my gosh....wow. Needless to say, I'm making myself as cute as humanly possible, and counting the days until I see him again. Especially since we get a "Ben and Ginny" day again in Twin Falls, and get to go to our "special place" down there......this amazing waterfall that just makes us both happy. I'm so excited. I don't think I've ever been more excited about, well, anything. Just thinking about being with him again makes it hard to breathe. I know, it sounds like I'm being "poetic" but I am being so honest right now. I miss him more than I thought was possible, and now, it's only a month away, until I get him for Christmas and New Years....and then he leaves again, but will be home for Valentine's Day...and then, he's off again....for who knows how long....bleck.

Oh well, you can't help who you fall in love with right?

I'll be home for Christmas...

So, here's a summary of the week. First, I smashed my hand at my hiphop dance class. I went to do this turn and then you jump backwards and throw your hand out, well, I jumped too far and so when I threw my hand out, I threw it into a brickwall.

So, now my last two fingers are bruised and fat. Bleck.

Here's one taken after dance class.

Notice the sweaty mess I am, obviously it's doing some good.

Ha ha ha.

A new skirt and top I tried on yesterday for church.

I took Ben "text shopping" with me, and he liked this one best, and then protested that there's no way that my boobs shrunk. True, I guess this picture wouldn't show it, but sadly enough, they did. He's actually pretty good at "girl" shopping, everything I sent him a picture of that I was pretty set on getting, were all the things he liked the most. Especially this green and black bra and panties set...and no, I didn't model it on me....that would be dirty.

A goofy one I took this morning getting ready for church.

One Ben sent to me of him hiding in a closet, because he didn't want to get made fun of by his roomies for taking a million pictures of himself to send to me. What a goof.


Another cute one of his pudgy face. I miss that face, and I'll be nice and spare you the topless pic he sent to me! Ooo la la! Actually, he'd seriously shoot me if he saw it online, and now that he's a bounty hunter/sniper I wouldn't chance it.

So, besides all that jazz, things with Ben are good. He said he had a bunch of Christmas presents for me, so like an excited school girl I begged him to tell me.

He response was, "Well, I'm holding off on one, because I need to get your ring size."

Silence.

"Ginny darling don't freak out, I wanted to buy you a new CTR ring because since your fingers got all skinny and hot, yours doesn't fit anymore. And besides, would you seriously hate me if I knew your ring size? What? Am I not allowed to know it? I figured I of all people should have your ring size! Seriously!"

Yeah, he got a little over the top defensive thinking that I didn't want him to have my ring size.

It was cute.

Present number two would be my lapdance/strip tease from him....which, should be hilarious.

We decided that when he got home in February, we were going to throw a Mardi Gras costume/mask party and my house...a party for two, and he was going to be the masked hot dancer...because obviously I'm not getting a lapdance from him at his parent's house.

Man, I can see their faces now, especially since, if Ben wanted to, he could easily make thousands as an exotic dancer...he has hips like no other...although, dance lessons for twelve years might have something to do with that.

Present number three is a punch to his roommate's face.

(Long story on that one, let's just say his roommate is kind a of player who takes advantage of girls, and I seriously didn't know that...I just thought he was a good friend...my bad)

So, I said to Ben,

"Well, the first one's great, but you're not even going to be home for Christmas, so there's really no reason to label the others as Christmas presents."

He replied with,

"Well, that's my other present, I saved up, and I'll be home for Christmas.

From the 19th of December to the 3rd of January. I really miss you and can't wait to see you"

More silence.

"Gin? You there?"

"Are you serious? You mean I'll see you in about a month?"

"Yeah exciting huh? Sorry I can't make it there for your birthday. I did get you this awesome card and present though, and I know you'll love it."

So, for the most part I'm thrilled, the downfall is, I was going to drop another 2 or so pants sizes by the time he got here in February, so I could throw it in his face that I was "super" hot....so, I guess I'll only be "sort of" hot when he gets here...although, then he'll have to leave again....

And, atleast for a couple of weeks, I get him back for our karaoke nights. I'm really excited about that. I miss dancing with him, and singing with him...

oh gosh,I miss EVERYTHING about him.

Another plus note, I get my personal heater back. He is such a hot man, literally, and each time I'm cold, I get to rub my freezing hands all over his hot chest...I LOVE doing that! Tee-hee.

On that note, I need to go running before church. I only have a month to look even more gorgeous, buy a little black dress and some hooker boots, and knock his socks off!

Here's hopin right?

Sweeny Todd: The Musical

So, last night I went and saw "Sweeny Todd: The Musical"...

and was highly impressed, well, and disgusted....

Oh the wonders of theatre! They somehow mananged to actually make blood spray out of someone's neck. Which, being on the stage for over 10 years, with the blocking of the characters, and with the way the whole scene is portrayed, I still can't figure out how they did it. I figured out most of the other blood bath scenes, but this one was over the top! Seriously, it was like going to SeaWorld, if you're in the front row, you better watch out, you might get splashed!

Which, I know sounds gross, but it seriously was amazing, and the actors made me speechless. Their Sweeny Todd and Mrs. Lovitz, were actually a husband and wife team, and you could tell that they had that type of relationship on stage. I have never been more impressed with a musical. Even if it is one that the topic is so...dark.

I got a picture with Sweeny Todd afterwards, which I'll have to upload....

it has his blade and everything in it....it rocks.

So, I'm thinking about auditioning for Music Theatre of Idaho this upcoming season. The shows are: Beauty and The Beast, Suessical: The Musical, Les Miserables, Tom Sawyer, The King and I, Sweet Charity, and Annie.

I'm familiar with most of those, some more than others.

Beauty and The Beast has always been my number one...and my dream role has always been Belle. Problem...I look SO bad in yellow.

Les Miserables is another favorite, and I've always liked Fantine or Eponine. Fantine because I LOVE her "I dreamed a dream" piece, and Eponine, because I know what it's like to be in love with your best friend and have him chase after every other girl, and never realize....it's the story of my life actually.

As for Suessical...any role would rock.

I'm not too fond of The King and I, I mean, how many good female roles are there? Anna?

Annie is about the same way, but I would love Mrs. Hannigan...I love energetic/evil roles. If I were ever cast in Sweeny Todd, Mrs. Lovitz would be my first choice...she is crazy.

I don't know anything about Sweet Charity, and know very little about Tom Sawyer...either way, it should be fun....and....it's all musicals, and I know I can sing...so, there's a plus. Although, I recently found out auditions are in 2 weeks....which isn't a lot of time, not to mention, I have a lot coming up in the next couple of months, so, I guess I'll just see what works and what doesn't.